A Diamond is A Diamond

Some days in the past, I would wake up with a list of things to do, a pressing agenda of monotonous tasks, “have to’s” and “shoulds” – working hard to make ends meat, that’s the way I was encouraged to live by every influence in my upbringing. That’s the way I was trained to experience the world.

Life is tough.

Life is not fair.

We have to make sacrifices to succeed.

What about a job, Kara?

How are you going to pay your bills?

Stay focused on what’s important, kid.

Get with the picture.

Read a newspaper, for God’s sake! Do you know what state our economy is in?

Why don’t you live in the real world for once, Kara. Why don’t you just grow up?

***

Sometimes, I still have a day in the past…

Like today, for instance. I woke up late, in fear of how to pay my bills. Rushing through a morning meditation to jump into research and tasks. Blessedly, I am further advanced in the depth of my awareness of Who I Am and the nature of Reality Itself, than I used to be. I also have a working relationship with, what a friend of mine so endearingly terms as, “the Boss.” She/He lives in me- is the energetic nature That I Am as my body- hence, is the Creative Principle and Ultimate Reality of, not only my Life, but of all Life. Amen.

A further hence way of saying what I mean here is, I have friends in High Places.
Thank you very much!

When you make friends with what I will term as God (though, we may, in the future, decide to invent a new term to encompass the totality of this Reality, rather than “God”ing up a bunch of old ideas of some grumpy man with a white beard and a propensity to Wrath, sitting on the celestial throne of Judgment, high, high above our heads, pointing to a bloodied crucifix, of his only Son, saying, see what I require of you! Please note: in no way do I mean to discount or disrespect the experience of the Master Jesus during his lifetime 2000 years ago. Nor do I mean to discount or diminish the experience of any martyr of any tradition, wiccan, prophet, priestess, saint, who died living the Truth of his or her reality at the hands of ignorance in this world. Many a profound insight can be gained by contemplating their lives. Thus, I designate ( ) as a space of silence and of reverence to honor those who came before us and the glory of their lives and Beings, Selah! However, I am much more interested, at this moment, in encouraging myself and others to open up to a new dimension of the Divine in our respective individual consciousnesses and our collective human consciousness. Perhaps, we can even transcend the need for a linguistic term to define the Divine at all! Perhaps we will discover a Universal principle or frequency [and by Universal, I do indeed mean a principle or frequency that is communicative across the entire Universe, not just planet Earth], which can relate as Divinity and Truth across all cultures, nations, planets, dimensions, time and space for the New Age…What a fun project! Can I get a grant? (smile)... but for now, I’ve made my nod, and the word God will do, for language's sake.) So, like I was saying, when you make friends with God, you enter into what is known as a state of Grace. Grace protects you, even when you are making “mistakes”. Grace guides you, even when you are operating out of blindness, ignorance, and fear. Grace directs you, even when the script calls for a tragedy. Why? Because Grace transmutes all errors into Light, and because the love of God transcends all darkness. I believe another Amen is in order here!

So, rewind the tape to me, this morning, chanting mantras really fast before my altar, all the while thinking of this project and that necessity, having to get this or that done, appointment at 11, need to get my things in order, gotta call that travel company and cancel that account, gotta do this website for this client, gotta, gotta, gotta (I feel like we all “get” that picture, right?) Well then, what happens?

I’m rushing to meet a friend for our 11:00 appointment, when I can’t find the keys to my car!

What’s this? I know I had them last night? I remember putting them somewhere “safe” so I would remember them. And now they’re nowhere to be found!

I’m looking, looking, looking as the clock is ticking, ticking, ticking, but they are still nowhere to be found.

My mind begins to drudge up old programming…

You’re so irresponsible, Kara. Can’t you get organized at all? You’re always late, always running on your own time. When are you going to get with it, Kara? When are you going to grow up!

Then the victim side kicks in.

Oh no, no, no. Not you again! I know I’m not a bad girl! God, please help me. I gotta get to this meeting. Please help me! Please help me find my keys!

And when I still can’t find my keys after 20 minutes of searching, and frustration is really beginning to set in, then the sticky, icky programming chucks in the old, insidious:

God, why is this happening to me!

I’ve come to find that this- God, why is this happening to me!- statement is really a thinly veiled disguise for blaming God for our “misfortunes.” In other words, it is an energetic expression of desperation which we experience when we refuse to take responsibility for Being What We Are As God, when we give up the freedom and the Power that comes with the Living Faith of Knowing that we create the reality of our lives (through our past, present and future thoughts, words, and deeds) in their entirety, down to every itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny detail! I have also found that this energetic experience of pure, futile desperation, also happens to be one of the most fertile grounds for Grace to enter into our lives and for miracles to occur. There is always a blessing in our “misfortune”. It always contains a lesson which will bring us home to God, if we open to it, ask for help, and surrender to the experience!

It used to take me a while to stop what I was doing, surrender, and listen to that voice of desperation.

God, why is this happening to me!
God, why is this happening to me!
God, why is this happening to me!

Mercifully, when I need to learn something now, God usually chooses to pile me with so much “misfortune” in such a short period of time (kind of like a big blast of “Ow!”… [of course, in the most safely-contained-by-Grace sort-of-way possible]), that I am usually forced to surrender rather quickly. Thank you, Lord!

I’ll give you the run down of what it took for me to surrender today.

I couldn’t find my keys. I called my friend. I admitted I was late. (didn’t like that) She said, that’s okay, call me when you find them and get on the road. I felt relieved. Looked for the keys some more. Found them. Got in the car. Damn! No gas! I forgot I need gas! Go to the gas station. It’s crowded. I start to wonder how much gas to put in my car because I don’t want to overdraft my account. I am so broke! How am I going to get money to pay my bills? Decide on an amount. Begin pumping. Start looking around at everyone at the gas station. It’s gray and raining. Everyone looks miserable, staring lifelessly into space as we hold the nozzles to the pumps in place. It occurs to me that we are all lost in our own thoughts of making money, paying bills, being on time, and keeping a schedule. As this awareness dawns on me, the cars suddenly begin to look really large and unnecessary. Even silly! Like when you see some sort of archaic contraption from the past century, and you’re like, I can’t believe people used to think these were awesome! Then I go back into my mind and anxieties. I finish pumping, get in the car and reach into my bag for my cell phone to call my friend and tell her I am on the way. But it’s not there! I can’t believe it! The cell phone is not there! I left my cell phone at home, and I have to go back. Damn! I go back. I run upstairs. I grab my cell phone and hurriedly rush to type in her number, but my elbow knocks over a plastic filing container with all of my “important” documents (taxes, finances, receipts, passport etc.) which then proceed to tumble down the stairs, literally spraying papers out in all directions, and also, (it just so happens) blocking the exit (door) to my room.

So then, I stop.

At this point, the frustration and anxiety of my mind and what I think is important have brought me to the breaking point, and there is nothing I can do. I just stop and am completely still.

I sit down on the top step, gazing at the disarray of “important” things in my life, blocking my exit from the house, trapping me in my suffering, and I am completely speechless.

God, why is this happening to me!
Suddenly becomes, simply, God, why is this happening to me?

You see, I have come to realize, over the course of my life, that there are no coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. The circumstances of my life are communicating with me in detail, everything I need to know, every reason for why things are the way that they are. Therefore, when a series of uncanny events like this happens, l I know that God is at work. And it is in the stillness, amidst the chaos and insanity of an ego-driven life, that I pause and open to Divine Grace.

I am not going to my appointment now, and I know it. I come to accept it. There is a message here in the mess, and I am going to find.

First, I call my friend and reschedule our meeting. Then, I slowly climb over the mess at the bottom of the stairs, to reach the kitchen and make myself some breakfast. I marvel that it is already 11:30 am, and I didn’t even realize I hadn’t eaten anything yet! It feels good to feed myself—to take the time to care of my body, health, and well being. Then, my roommate’s sister knocks on our front door. I answer, and the first thing she says is, “My, how peaceful and rested you look!” I smile. If she only knew! Then I point to the mess on the floor to my room, and we both have a good laugh. “Oh, yes I see,” she says. "Sometimes, when the shit hits the fan, there’s nothing you can do but make yourself a cup of tea.”

***


I am sitting at my computer now. Even the sleekness of my cutting-edge iMac seems archaic, clunky, and ridiculous to me in this moment. Ahh, yes! Transcendental consciousness! The Divine and I are One.

Now for the lesson:

Kara, if you experience the world as a creation of love and light, as a sensitive energy system, complete with angelic beings and alien space ships, dolphins and dragonflies who whisper to you in the silence of your heart, guiding you on your way, nature spirits who rustle in the mysts, fairy lights sparkling in the fields, magical crystals, inscribed by the Heavens, given to you by God through Grace to bless you and your friends in the sacredness of your covens and to shine ethereal Light onto your paths; if you have witnessed the Divine guide you through your jaunts with the shaman, delivering you to the great wisdom bearers and lightworkers of this age, for your benefit, to help you face those great, grueling demons, trials, and tribulations every hero faces on his or her path; if you have watched forgiveness melt the icy nightmare of a lie you felt would trap you for the rest of your life, and seen the dead come back to life, and called upon a butterfly, and it came, yea, further yet, called upon Me in my Highest formless state, and I came, on the back of a flying, blue serpent across the Great Waters, to show you how your dreams can become reality, how you, yourself can become, as you so endearingly say, a real bunny; if to you the world is full of spirits and sprites, and beautiful creatures, and life is a glorious unraveling of heart-breaking falls and soaring recoveries—a great fairy tale of magic and adventure, with a warm, heart-opening, fully expressed, fully lived, fully felt feeling of fullness and wonder, awe and peace, blossoming at the heart of the tale you call your life, then why would you choose to dishonor your reality, and hence your Self, by giving your Power over to that other tale—the one of your limitations, the one of your past and the innumerable ways you were made to feel, by the ignorance of this world and the ones who rule it, that you were anything less than simply What You Are—a child of God? And a daughter of the Highest who knows no bounds. Where has that other tale ever gotten you, Kara? Only into fear, misery, sickness and destruction.

Do you think I made you the way That You Are by mistake? Do you think I needed to compromise more in My Glory, and design you to be more acceptable to the human society that you live in? Did it ever occur to you that I perfectly designed you to be the way That You Are for a perfect purpose while you are here on Earth? Did it ever occur to you that I perfectly design each and every one of my children to be exactly What They Are and that you each have your own perfect purpose? Yet how many people are truly What They Are as God as their bodies as their lives, in detail? How many people live life to the absolute fullest and experience the complete purpose of a human life? How of many people truly taste the fullness of My Love for them in human form?

Look at the world, Kara. What do you see? How does it make you feel? My children are enslaved in lies and fear and the ignorance of their own Divinity. Do you think this is My Will? Do you think I wish for any of you to suffer, go hungry, or go without anything you either need or desire, for even a second? I most certainly do not. My Will for you, as it is for each of my children, is that you live a perfect, happy, healthy, joyful life and have the opportunity to be all that you can be, to know all you wish to know, and to experience the fullness of your heart’s desires manifest.
-
How much longer are you going to cling to the way you were taught to be? Taught to think? Taught to speak? Taught to act? How much longer are you going to cling to the illusion that you have to do, or speak, or say anything at all, contrary to your heart, in order to please another person or some man-made system or organization or in order to survive? When will you begin to trust in my Grace and complete Love for you? When will you accept Forgiveness and Abundance and My Will into your life?

Did it ever occur to you that My Will for you is to dissociate from the false structures of this world which keep you and your brothers and sisters in bondage? Did it ever occur to you that I might ask you to do such a thing, despite what everyone else in your life might think or say or do about it? Did it ever occur to you that I might need some people to live a different life—a glorious life—so that I can attract the rest of my children away from the lies which enslave them and which enslave all life on Earth and the life of the Earth, Herself? Did it ever occur to you that I might need some people to be brave enough to live the life of their dreams, despite all obstacles in their path, so that I can show others, by way of their example, the path to Freedom?

You cannot hide who you are anymore, Kara. You know the way.

Remember, no matter how much mud you slather on a diamond—a diamond is a diamond—and you were meant to shine.

Her True Name

I am here, scraping wood from graphite- refining, shaping, sharpening, discerning- the tips of the pencils (vision bearers that they are), the tools I use to make, to mark...when I am filled with memories of her. That mysterious woman! She bequeathed me these tools, you know? And much, much more... I muse. I ponder. As I watch the points grow sharper and sharper...

Her name? Her name was in transition when we met. Literally! She had it changed in my very house, just before she gifted me with these treasures.

"Take them, Kara."

"Oh no, I can't. They 're so beautiful, so personal. And all your art supplies! It's too much. You need these. You... you, you'll want these back you know."

"No, I won't. I will enjoy buying new art supplies, that's for sure. Just the other day I was in the art store, dreaming of what new supplies I will have some day. However, I am aware that, for now, I have to travel light. There is no way I can bring all these things with me. If you don't want them, give them to Goodwill or something."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, put them on the side of the road for all I care! God is leading me somewhere, Kara. I just know it. I trust God. I trust in what He has told me. There is something better for me- My heart is somewhere else. And God is leading me to it."

I admired the way she spoke about God. Like she actually knew him! Like he was standing right there next to her! She was so confident, so sure. I half wondered if she was insane at times. However, I always loved that about her- her intensely personal relationship to God. Her living faith. Her...her... what was her name again?

"Marjorie! " She said, with a big smile. "My name is Marjorie!"

"Hi Marjorie, my name is Kara."

We smiled.

I never wanted to call her by that name. Marjorie? No, no, that is not your name. That is not who you are. There is another name for you Marjorie. It was always on the tip of my tongue. If I could just wrap my knowing around it...Was it Mary? Or Margaret? It should not have surprised me when she decided to have her name changed. But what can I say? It did. She did. Marjorie-Mary-Margaret surprised me. Actually, she shocked me— She gave me something to dream about, something to play with, something to grow into, something to marvel at, even something of a warning. The truth is, that woman gave me a wake up call.

We met working at a beauty store during the holiday season of 2007. She mentioned France, and art, and Jesus, and Waffle House— we were friends immediately.

She was a Christian- a “born-again.” I liked to hear about her faith. I would imagine us as sisters in Biblical times. Maybe it was her name- that it began with “Mar”- but I actually always imagined us as Martha and Mary Magdalene—the good friends of Christ.

The problem was that I was not really a Christian, the way she was a Christian. I didn’t go to church. I didn’t believe in half the things they taught there. I had had mystical experiences. I had spent a few years following them in and out of the Christian churches. I always left feeling confined and a bit confused (and a little ashamed of myself too). Too many rules. Too many things didn’t feel right. However, despite the fact that I nursed some old wounds from my past experiences in religious congregations, my real problem was not so much my bitterness, as it was that I really didn’t know who or what I was, or how to express what I truly believed in. I ached to express something, but what, or how?

When I met Marjorie, I saw the way her God was also her closest confidant and friend. I saw how her God went before her and arranged things on her behalf. I saw how her God gave her the courage to step out— to step out into the unknown—to follow her dreams, to be an artist, to change her name, to move to France and transcend the trauma of her youth. That- that- was what I wanted! I could forgive the dogmatic shell of her Christian belief system, I could set aside my own bitterness and judgments, because what was inside of her felt wild and true—felt real to me— and she was putting it to the test in a brave way.

She called me one day last summer, after I had not heard from her in a while.

I’m moving Kara.

Oh, really, when?

Now.

Oh, cool! Where are you moving to?

I’m not sure yet.

What do you mean, you’re not sure yet? You’re still looking for a place?

I guess you could say that. I am sure God will provide.

Uh, okay. Did you check downtown?

Yes, but I have to move now. I am moving now.

Wait, where are you?

I’m at Waffle House. Do you want to meet me here for lunch?

Wait, you’re at Waffle House? Have you moved already?

Yes, I am here with my U-Haul. There have been some strange things going on. I would love to tell you about them.

Wait a second. You mean you are sitting at Waffle House with all your stuff packed in a U-Haul and you have no place to live!?

I am sure God has a place for me.

God-shmod! You can’t do that! Wait, I am on my way home. Can you meet me at my house? The girl who lives upstairs is never there. She practically lives with her boyfriend. Maybe you can rent the loft from her for a few weeks until you find a place of your own?

That’s how our goodbye began—for two weeks she stayed with me, sharing her past, her secrets, what she was escaping from, and what she hoped to become. She shared with me her heart, her dreams, her prayers, her faith—before she changed her name, gave me her most beloved possessions, and disappeared from my life completely.

I marvel at how quick I was to rescue her that day— that there was not a moment’s hesitation in my decision! The truth is that, even though we knew each other very briefly, and mostly in the context of working together, I knew the quality of her faith. I knew the recklessness in it- the complete willingness to risk everything for something she believed in. I knew it, because deep, deep, deep inside, that is the quality of my own faith. And having lived with that quality in myself my whole life, I knew it had the potential to put me in danger- to get me into trouble! I sensed she was in need that day, and my heart responded with complete willingness to help. Little did I know then, that in rescuing her, I was actually rescuing a part of myself.

***

As the flakes of my pencil shavings fall to the floor, I look around my new art studio with deep, deep satisfaction. Marjorie’s beautiful drafting table and drying rack are the staple pieces of furniture in the room. I have arranged the space into stations— I have a prayer and meditation station, a writing station, a music creation station, a painting station, a pondering station, a yoga station. My joke with myself is that I am in God’s Montessori school- going around to the different stations to do my “work.” This joke makes me feel small, supported, and loved. That is something I feel now- that I am truly known, truly supported, and truly loved, within myself.

Marjorie’s pencils and pens, her paints and bases, her Chinese calligraphy set, French novels, art books, and theological anthologies are scattered about the room, mixed with my own, unique tokens of self expression—a yoga mat, an image of Kali, my easel, my drawings, a tapestry of Shiva, an astrology book. For a while I hid her treasures, as I had my own. I stuffed them under my bed and shoved them in boxes, where they grew dull with disuse. Eventually, they were covered over by dust and the psychic overgrowth of my mind. It is only through grace- through the grace of my heart- that I have found the courage to dig them out again, and to take this chance in expressing my spirituality and creativity in the way I always wanted to.

Whoever she was, this Marjorie, whoever she is now, I am so grateful that she shared with me the deepest part of herself. I am so grateful for her bravery and honesty. I am so grateful for the tools and the inspiration she gave me to transform myself.

I have tried to find her. I have been to her favorite French restaurant downtown. I have asked about her. Once I even found her old roommate.

Last I heard she made it to New York City. She was living up there for a while.

Did she ever make it to Paris?

That I don’t know, sweetie. But if you find out, let me know.

Whoever you are, wherever you are, Mystery Woman, I pray that you find yourself—I pray you come to know your true name. Know that you touched me deeply, I am grateful, and I love you.